A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.
"Mary... Mary..." he called.
"Is that you, Fred?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?" Mary asked.
"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again," he said.
"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!" Mary exclaimed.
"Not exactly," Fred said. "I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the father discovered that his teenage daughter had made love with her boyfriend at a wild party, he insisted on having the young man arrested for statutory rape, and the case was promptly brought to trial.
The first witness was another teenager who had attanded the festivities. " If you actually witnessed the act, "the prosecutor demanded, "why didn't you try to stop the defendant?"
"Well," the testifier admitted, "at the time, it was impossible to tell which of the two would be the defendant."
########################################################################################
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results...
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue (probably a blonde).
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
Then, there is the male addendum - The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut...
Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Actual Claims
Explanations of accidents made on Insurance claim forms.
* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
***************************************************************************************************************************
As you may know, there are a lot of Californians moving to Idaho these days.
Unlike Idaho with its four seasons, California only has two: hot and hot as hell.
The following excerpts are from letters from someone who recently moved to McCall, Idaho.
November 1, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:
It started to snow this evening about 5:00 p.m. -- our first of the season. The wife and I took
our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. They say that no two snowflakes are the same! It was beautiful.
We woke to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering our yard and as far as the
eye could see. I shoveled snow for the first time in over 30 years -- and loved it! Did both the driveway and sidewalk. Of course two minutes after I finished, the snowplow came by and
covered it all up again with the compacted snow from the street. Oh well, ha ha, I took it in
stride and shoveled it all again.
Your friend,
Tom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 10, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:
Got another 8 inches of snow last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero.
Shoveled the driveway so I could get the car out but before I could open the garage door, the
snowplow did his thing again. Worked out for the best because the car wouldn't start anyway.
Fixed myself a drink and laughed it off.
Regards,
Tom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Noverber 27, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:
Sold the car and bought a 4 wheel drive truck. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway getting
into it. All that was hurt was my feelings. Still cold (below zero every morning) and the icy roads
make for tough driving. I did however make it to the liquor store and bought enough booze to last
the winter. That asshole in the snowplow came by while I was gone and covered the driveway
again.
Tom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 5, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:
Happy "fucking" Holiday from Idaho. We're assured a white Christmas this year because
6 more inches of the "white stuff" fell today. Forget that crap about snow flakes all looking
different, you've seen one, you've seen them all!! Anyway, I took a couple of stiff belts out
of the whiskey bottle and suited up to shovel the driveway. You should see it, boots, jump suit,
heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc. Got in one shovel full and had to piss like a Russian
race horse. Figured I'd risk blowing a kidney and finish the job. When I did, I ran for the house
and just made it to the toilet. While I was standing relieving myself, I heard a now familiar sound.
Yes, that cocksucker in the snowplow did it again. The only reason I needed to get out was that
the liquor cabinet was empty, again! I think the wife has been sipping behind my back!! Selfish
bitch!
T.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 30, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary:
If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag his bare ass through the
white shit from here to the city limits. The temperature stays at zero or below all day. If this
keeps up I'll be fucking with this white shit 'til August. Got to get to the liquor store before it
closes. I caught the wife dead off her ass drunk on the bathroom floor yesterday. At least
now I know where the booze is going.
Me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 5, 8, or 10, 1993
Dear Tim and Cary:
7 more inches. If it wasn't for going to the liquor store, I'd never get out. Must be cabin fever
or I'm going snowblind from that white shit all over my yard, but even that drunken slut I married
is starting to look good. Doesn't matter, it's so cold I have to tie a string and tag on my dick just
to find it ever morning.
You Know Who
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Febiary, whatever, whenever...............
Deer jimmers, jimmers, J & M:
Toilet froze. IF you go outside, don't eat the brown snow ha ha! Neighbor came by and told me
I better get some of that shit off my roof or it might cave in. Fuck it and the snowplow. Liquor
store has started making deliveries to the front door. I ain't going out till this shit melts all the
way a way.
me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
March 29, 1993
Boise Mental Hospital
Dear Jim and Mary:
Thank you for taking in my darling wife. My lawyer says I should be out in a year or two. All
this could have been avoided if the snowplow driver hadn't come by asking for a donation for
some charity. His doctor testified at my trial that there was no permanent damage to his rectum
from my assault with the snow shovel handle. It was wrong, I know that now. The arson charge
too, could have been avoided, but when that neighbor told me about the snow on my roof, well I
figured the fire would melt that white.........
I really feel bad about the guy who owns the liquor store. Ever since we left the neighborhood,
the bank foreclosed on his new house and the Cadillac dealer repossessed his new car. Even the
kid who used to deliver for him quit, claimed he wasn't making that $1,500 a week like when we
lived there.
Hope to see you soon!
Your Friend,
Tom
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Here's an example of why men do not write advice columns...
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has be en feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila Lusk
*******
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.
One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies' room. "Apparently," he says, "the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you're sucked into the mirror and never heard from again."
So the redhead goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar." A million dollars suddenly appears before her.
Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in this bar." The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.
Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, "I think..." And she's sucked in and never heard from again.
<<<<<<<<>>>>>>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.
Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."
The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles." He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?" "No, I'm Bubbles."
*************************************************************************************************************************
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
